The Power to Influence
What Is Influence? Influence is not pressure, it’s permission. Influence is a force of our love. It’s granted when we demonstrate that we care more about our relationship than our own ideas and opinions. Even with babies and children, we never have control. If a child...
Neutrality is Invalidation
Invalidation is a form of relational trauma which, over time, harms the brain and nervous system, and also results in the disintegration of any healthy bonds of connection, and dissolution of trust in others. Healing requires the slow, ongoing work of diligent growth...
The Attunement Bridge: Healing from an Affair
John and Shannon brought their tattered marriage to therapy, to see if they could salvage it from an affair. Right away, we discovered they had a deep habitual communication pattern. John had a veneer of sweetness that we decided to call the “chill dude.” He liked to...
Under Stress We All Regress
When Karen’s face popped up on my computer screen, I sensed a storm was raging in her world. “How’ve you and your family been doing with the shelter-in-place mandate?” I asked. “Not great!” She fired back. Frustration, disappointment, and resentment...
The Couple Therapist Said Our Problems Were Due to My Trauma: Is It Really All My Fault? Ask Jenny T
Q: Hi, Jenny, In my marriage of 16 years, I’m the one who is the giver. I’ve given over and over again for the sake of my husband’s career - moving for his sake, and being supportive about how much time away from home his job takes. I’ve also been supportive of...
How to Fix Communication Issues with Your Spouse
Q: My husband and I are having communication issues. The main problem is he doesn’t converse with me! Everywhere I read and hear that human connection and bonding is important. He responds “uh huh” to most of my “bids” and I am at a loss as to what to do. I’ve tried...
Suicidal? Connecting With Your Pain Could Save Your Life
Charlie was in my office yesterday. He was all smiles. So was I. It was a joy to be in his presence. I commended him on the quick and amazing transformation
When Stress Brings Out Our Dark Sides
I got this request for guidance a few weeks ago from a healthcare worker, and I wanted to share my response with you, my closest readers. I’m privileged that "Kimberly" shared her story and sought advise. This is sad, but symptomatic of how dark these times can...
What is “The Trauma Triangle” and What It Means for Your Relationships – Unedited
I was interviewed on the Trauma Triangle and What It Means for Your Relationships by Renée Fabian of TheMighty.com. You can read her article here: https://themighty.com/2020/03/trauma-triangle-meaning/ My unedited answers to her interview questions are below. I hope...
The Lifeblood of Love
"Healthy communication is the lifeblood of love. A relationship will only be as good as its communication.” Gary Smalley Our motivations (or goals) drive our messages, which are also highly driven by the levels of soothing or stress we feel in our...
Is it Love, if I’m left in the “Cookie Jar?”
Thrive Global asked me to answer this question for our Gottman column "Asking For A Friend." I hope my words for this hurting person can help you or someone you know. Q: I feel like I’m being “cookie-jarred” in my relationship. Will things ever change? My...
I Thought I Was Completely Over My Ex, But I Keep Thinking of Her. Is That Weird?
Q: My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about a year ago, and I’ve been dating a new woman for the past few months. We’re happy, and my previous relationship is in the past. But I recently found out that my ex is dating someone new, and for some reason, it bothers me....