The Attunement Bridge: Healing from an Affair
John and Shannon brought their tattered marriage to therapy, to see if they could salvage it from an affair. Right away, we discovered they had a deep habitual communication pattern. John had a veneer of sweetness that we decided to call the “chill dude.” He liked to...
Under Stress We All Regress
When Karen’s face popped up on my computer screen, I sensed a storm was raging in her world. “How’ve you and your family been doing with the shelter-in-place mandate?” I asked. “Not great!” She fired back. Frustration, disappointment, and resentment...
The Lifeblood of Love
"Healthy communication is the lifeblood of love. A relationship will only be as good as its communication.” Gary Smalley Our motivations (or goals) drive our messages, which are also highly driven by the levels of soothing or stress we feel in our...
How to Fix Communication Issues with Your Spouse
Q: My husband and I are having communication issues. The main problem is he doesn’t converse with me! Everywhere I read and hear that human connection and bonding is important. He responds “uh huh” to most of my “bids” and I am at a loss as to what to do. I’ve tried...
How to Talk to Family Members About Conspiracy Theories
This article appears in POPSUGAR.COM; Fri. 8/27/20 by Kaley Rohlinger, who interviewed me, along with other experts. Discussing politics and current events with family members isn't always easy. Despite shared genetics, our identities, experiences, and generational...
Neutrality is Invalidation
Invalidation is a form of relational trauma which, over time, harms the brain and nervous system, and also results in the disintegration of any healthy bonds of connection, and dissolution of trust in others. Healing requires the slow, ongoing work of diligent growth...
Is it Love, if I’m left in the “Cookie Jar?”
Thrive Global asked me to answer this question for our Gottman column "Asking For A Friend." I hope my words for this hurting person can help you or someone you know. Q: I feel like I’m being “cookie-jarred” in my relationship. Will things ever change? My...
I Thought I Was Completely Over My Ex, But I Keep Thinking of Her. Is That Weird?
Q: My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about a year ago, and I’ve been dating a new woman for the past few months. We’re happy, and my previous relationship is in the past. But I recently found out that my ex is dating someone new, and for some reason, it bothers me....
I’m Nervous the Person I’m Dating is Losing Interest: Am I Just Paranoid?
Q. I’ve been seeing someone for a couple months and things are going well — but I constantly feel nervous that he’s about to end things. Sometimes things seem to be great, and then sometimes I feel like he’s losing interest. Am I just being too...
Friendships: Should You Let Go of Old Friends if You’ve Grown Apart?
Q: I find I have less and less in common with my longtime friends. I grew up with them, and they’ll always hold a place in my heart, but as we’ve gotten older, we’ve drifted. There’s no doubt we’re in different places in our lives, and just don’t have that much to...
